You never know who’s listening, truly listening. Every day we share our opinions, our beliefs, our judgements without ever consciously being aware of what we preach. You might not realize who’s looking up to you, who you may inspire and what lives you are changing by the things you say, and more importantly, what you DO. To say actions speak is an understatement. What we do not only affects our own lives but has the ability to inspire, disrupt, heal, hurt, motivate, discourage, lift up, or let down…. What message do you want to leave behind?? Today I ran 12 miles, climbed 5, 17 miles later, not because I had to, not because I necessarily wanted to…but today, Im Alive & I get to. Do Life. I feel tired, defeated, anxious, confused and scared at times, as we all do. More in the last two years, living on my own. But what if I quit? What If I just gave up? What service then would I be doing for the world or myself ??
After what most considered my traumatic, life debilitating accident, I honestly had thoughts of letting it become just that. Sometimes, I just wanted to stop fighting to make sense of it all; when I and others around me might understand if I did. Instead people called ME an inspiration!? When I first heard this I thought, Me? How? For what? My heart hurts. I wanted to scream at some point every single day. I’d come to a point in my Life where I wanted to give it all up. Yes, contrary to the daily inspiration I projected. As I dedicated my experience to help others, I was still hurting, bad. Ironically, or perhaps purposefully, my hand was least of my problems, I’d say. It was ironic that this new found gift to “inspire” had emotionally overwhelmed me; the new direction my life was taking was so enlightening yet surreal. I began to feel stuck, alone, and back to my old ways of feeling not enough. This time to not only a let down to MY own expectations I had on myself but mostly to others. I didn’t feel worthy of the enlightened perspective that so often poured out of me; a “light”, others would say often, that so many could see apparently, but myself. “I didn’t sign up for this”, I shouted out, literally, one day. I am exhausted, anxious all the time. The thought to just be in an social setting where I knew I would have to be that “inspiration” or subject of perspective on Life, haunted me. To show up. To say the right things, especially to those who looked up to me or looked forward to meeting or talking to me about resilience or overcoming…what if I didn’t say the right things or I was having a bad day, what if I didn’t leave them with a new perspective and inspire them? What if I DIDN’T WANT TO!!?
The pressure I put on myself after the accident to use my story to help was a failure to everything I expressed over the years. Who was I to preach “Believe and Become”, when I struggle to Believe in myself? I realized I didn’t break free of my self- indulgent “not enough” phase I struggled so much with in my early 20′s. I became the one let down because ALL I could be was me. And “just ME”, I didn’t think was worthy or enough. But what I felt in my heart, at my purest moments of inspiration, my calling if you will, was to show up, be me, inspire, just being me and that was something I was learning and creating new every day. Never failing, in Faith, I was ‘miraculously’ renewed when I least expected it. I became an inspiration only after I became inspired in my own life. I redirected my new Life as a new beginning to Live, truly LIVE. To be inspired, to me, is to be IN Spirit. Now, INspiration somehow, somewhere fills me up, between moments of clarity and especially moments lost, confused, helpless, not knowing what to do next. I accept now that I’ve been given a gift, a role to help teach and inspire, which I believe is all of our purpose while we are here…God’s plan will always prevail. But I still know it’s not until I stop resisting this calling that the Lord’s work will truly prevail.
I continued posting my daily inspirations, sharing my journey, because again those were the authentic moments I felt inspired, anointed or compelled to share the best I knew how, through my writing. I shared my experiences or remedies that had worked for me during times of pain or confusion. As I tried helping myself I projected it outward for us all to learn by because I was the one battling more than anyone I knew, as far as I knew it ;) Intellectually I understood the simplicity of just “Believe and Become”, but how do we maintain a state of happiness & vision & hope & Faith* when we feel things start to crumble around us? I’d start my day with a grateful perspective yet almost turn to realities of the worldly things I felt lacking or inhibiting me: companionship, career, medical debt, fear. I so badly wanted that True confidence I knew lived within, but geeez my determined ego! This negative egoic mind reminded me, “you have one hand, you’re akward in social settings, you’re not qualified to be a motivational speaker, you should give up on the whole actress thing…you’re not good enough.” Don’t get me wrong, I quickly tried desperately to turn those thoughts to ones of gratitude and sure, I’d find moments to restore my Faith between the cracks. But the vicious cycle became routine almost. I felt stuck.
Again, I looked up, looked within, asked for miracles. As cliche or stupid it may sound I DID just that! I needed a miracle. I couldn’t help inspire anymore because I wasn’t inspired. Although I felt called to encourage others in need, I too needed someone to speak to me, help me see my own greatness. It’s all perspective. Help me shift to see I AM enough & in just being me; may I never quit. Guide me to be honest & True to my flaws & pain. Ahaaa there lies my avenue to help encourage at my Truest self! (Interesting, isn’t it, how we already KNOW the answer if we just ask…we already have everything we need within….) “God does not call the qualified. He qualifies the called.”
“The day she had stopped pretending and finally allowed herself to walk around in the world as she honestly was. Feeling of relief and peacefulness overwhelmed her. She had set herself free.”
The power in helping others is where I finally found freedom! Just as I Am.
When I wake I say i didn’t hurt nobody, nobody hurt me, I am alive, I GET TO…..many can’t. I then thought…I rust ran, 17 miles, and that’s beyond enough. I can now remind myself I’m doing alright :)) Listen we all feel overwhelmed with the pressures of life. The frustrations of work, at least you GET TO go and have a job to get to. Relationships you get to share life with another & maybe GET TO work towards bettering or making it stronger, but you GET TO. As for your body and image, something I struggled with for years. Look at yourself in the mirror right now. Two eyes, you GET TO see the wonders and beauty of God’s creation. Two hands, two legs, one leg, no hands…the body is only the vessel. You are not your body, your clothes, your curves, your tone, your bone: you are a soul. But its all you and yours you GET TO live in and better yourself & others with. This is your time. You GET TO do this Life. You’re going to want to give up. DON’T! Stay Strong, Keep smiling, You never know who YOU are inspiring,
TBC……..Thank You and God Bless xx