“When they said it wasn’t going to be easy, things would never be the same, I lost it all…I responded with, “sooo how awesome can I make this NEW life amidst this “tragedy”. However, periodically I’d have frightening thoughts that created a sharp, burning sensation in my heart. I remember a time in my life when I first experienced “heartbreak”; my heart was in pain, aching, broken. But this time was different, unfamiliar, & scary. A fleeting, doubtful thought came rushing in, “Will anyone ever truly Love me again?” I immediately responded confidently with, “Yes. Of course.” I knew the answer & I felt relieved; not sure why I knew, I just did because I STILL had my Faith. If I am alive, He is not finished with me or my purpose to rise and prevail. I still had me, my Life, & I LOVED it more than ever. There’s a wonderful law that attracts & I knew someone would reflect that love.
And then, we all know the unnecessary, ridiculous trickle effect of negative thought. For me it began with: “Will I be starred at & perceived as a weak, crippled or incompetent individual by others? Can I handle that perception of me?” Probably, I tried convincing myself, “If I like me, other’s perception of me can’t change that, right?” So I worked towards things I was passionate about that made me feel healthy & whole. Acting, nutrition, and sport, giving, creating…I remember taking walks alone, shopping in Beverly Hills just a couple weeks later; no hand, no bandage, just my new normal because that’s all I had. I could imagine the confusion it stirred up when someone saw this “normal” looking girl, but something was blatantly missing; almost frightening to fathom for oneself. I thought, “Being that girl with one hand might take some time to get use to myself; it is what it is & I understand you just can’t get around the elephant in the room…the looks are just a part of it Chauntal” I talked to myself & God A LOT, thankfully guiding me through. It’s an extremely unconventional distortion to some but then to see “the girl with one hand” smiling, laughing, going about life in a healthy, positive way, was almost even more unconventional to observe I imagine. I understand now, that the way I was handling it all was what was conflicting for the mind to comprehend.
AND then (the thoughts usually work in 3’s for some reason, like comedy, but not so funny this time) : “Am I capable to raise children & be a nurturing wife & mother? Sometimes I need help.” My Mom was so efficient in the kitchen, around the house & prepared everything so delicately and effortlessly. Only now do I know how much prep & work went into those delicious family dinners. I always assumed I’d give my family & children the same, magical experience. Prepare family dinners, clean the house, prep lunches, be a perfectly, awesome, functional Mom & wife!!!! I was exhausted just thinking about it, when I really just wanted to blowdry my hair like I use to & fold my own laundry neatly. This time I had no answer. It was unclear to me & is still unknown. So there it was, it all came rushing in & my heart truly hurt, again. MY world?.. is completely different than I had EVER imagined it would be….
Suddenly, almost as if my survival/defense mechanism kicked in, I laughed & thought, “‘I admit, I don’t know! And that is OK. I have a choice: dwell or embrace the unpredictable. One fuels fear, the other fuels hope. I choose the latter. I know this much, I sure as hell will do my absolute best and do it my way!” I definitely underestimated my abilities in the beginning, just as a lot of people still do, at first glance (“How does she blowdry her hair?” “Button pants” “Tie shoes”, “polish her own nails”, even I can’t believe I mastered that one woohoo!) I have tricks & surprise myself more & more everyday! I just do it. Get the job done. I hear so many friends say to me, “You stay healthy, work & get through daily things so effortlessly. I look at you & think I definitely have no excuse”. Um thanks? jk;) That’s not my point entirely, but if I said I chose the victim route, I’d be lying.
We can do anything we put our mind to: “If you can conceive it, believe it you can achieve it.” You are only limited by your own doubts, regulations & limitations you put on yourself. Happiness is just a positive thought away! I think this principle applies to everything in life. Doubtful thoughts arise every day. Are we capable? You’d be surprised how capable & beyond when your mission in life is to Live the Life perhaps not how you always imagined but BEYOND! I must remind myself to give unconditional love to all & everything, every day, but I am learning, evolving & growing with you all, constantly.
I love to hear feedback & share stories for means of living a better life.
“I can relate, also. October 8, 2009 I was in an automobile accident and lost my left arm halfway between the shoulder and elbow. I was also pregnant at the time, and really unsure about how I would handle being a one-armed mom. My daughter was born May 5, 2010 – healthy, 8lbs. 3oz., and I have really done okay. It is really amazing how the human body can adapt. Believe and become really is the key. Best wishes, Chantal, from a “sister”. ~ charlotte39DD
This story encouraged me to be brutally open, honest & take the risk of being perceived as weak or vulnerable, because perhaps by sharing, I’ll help someone breathe a little easier or simply touch just one individual today! I already feel slightly relieved knowing I can share a piece of my story & give back what I’ve received…Thank you for this inspiration!